Now that my pregnancy is almost over (5 1/2 weeks left until my due date) I'm going to write a bit about being pregnant in China. It has pretty much been a normal healthy pregnancy with some normal annoying pregnancy discomforts like heartburn, round ligament pain, mood swings, and swollen hands and feet. My wedding and engagement rings stopped fitting and I can't wear them until after the little one arrives; it sucks. Anyway, for the most part I'm doing well.
I'm working up until the week before our baby is due. It is really exhausting at times but it is better than sitting around the house counting down the days until he gets here. I do have a count down on the white board in my classroom though.
My students have funny comments about the pregnancy sometimes. Today one of my second graders told me my tummy is really fat. I told him it is rude to tell people they are fat, even if it is true. In Chinese culture, people don't have any qualms about telling people they are fat. They seem to think it is helpful. When I was just starting to show
a little and hadn't started telling people I'm pregnant one of the
ayis (cleaning women) at work came up to me and said that my stomach was fat and
pointed out that she was much skinnier than me. I wanted to tell her
that she has no chest and looks like a 12 year old boy but I kept my mouth shut,
instead I was like "yeah, I eat a lot."
Even though I told them I was having a baby at the start of the year, some of my students are totally oblivious and still don't know I'm pregnant. Occasionally, one of them randomly asks me why my belly is so big. Kids are funny.
A few of my kids also really like to pat my belly. At first it is kind of adorable when a six-year-old tries to pat your belly and say hi to the baby, although it does eventually get pretty annoying. In contrast, it is really weird and awkward when the ayis from my work try to rub my belly. I'm tempted to rub their bellies in response and see how much they like it. I usually step backwards and avoid them instead. I don't understand the logic of walking up to someone you barely know and touching their stomach. It is such a bizarre invasion of personal space. My view is that if I'm not close enough to someone to give them a hug, I definitely am not close enough for them to touch my stomach. Most of the ayis got the hint after I dodged them awkwardly once or twice except for this one woman who seems to have total lack of normal social skills. She does weird things like come up to my desk while I'm trying to work and stand behind me watching what I'm doing on the computer for what seems like a really long interval. I know she doesn't speak a word of English and has no idea what I'm typing but it is really bizarre.
Getting back to the belly rubbing thing, I wonder if this is actually much different for people in the states. I know it happens in there too but I don't know how often it happens by comparison. Danny showed me an article last week about it being illegal to touch a pregnant women's belly in Pennsylvania.
Here it is. Funny...
For the most part people here are really nice about me being pregnant though. Occasionally, being a pregnant foreigner I feel like people on the
street stare at me a bit more than usual and seem confused by what I'm doing here.
(Hello, I live here, get over it.) That happens to foreigners occasionally regardless but it happens more so now because I'm pregnant. At least in Shanghai they are more used to foreigners than elsewhere in China so it doesn't happen all the time.
I think in general Chinese people make a bigger fuss over pregnant women than Americans do. Danny thinks it might be because China is a pretty patriarchal society, a women's role is as a mother and they aren't valued for much else. Plenty of women work here and contribute to society in other ways but it is more patriarchal than the states and there is a greater expectation that women will quit their jobs and stay home with the baby. Lots of women I know in the states are stay at home moms too, but in some ways American society looks down at that and thinks it is lazy not to work. I think it is kind of sad because usually a nanny or day care center can't give kids the same kind of care and attention they would get from a parent. I wonder if Chinese people think there is something really wrong with western culture that so many women want to work instead of caring for their kids. I'm still planning to work full time after our little guy is born. We are going to find an ayi but it is really scary to imagine leaving him with a stranger. We are lucky Danny's office is next to our apartment and he has a flexible schedule. Worst case if we aren't thrilled with the ayi he can work from home most of the day except when he has meetings. Hopefully, we'll find someone good though and we'll be happy with her.
My perspective may be kind of skewed on how big a fuss the Chinese really make over pregnant women because America has pretty crappy treatment for them. I'm impressed that Chinese women are entitled by law to three months of fully paid maternity leave, although this is only if the woman is married and is in compliance with the one child policy. I'm completely amazed by Norway where families get a year of paid leave and they can choose to split it between the mother and father however they want.
I'm not actually getting three months paid leave because there apparently are some loopholes based on how my visa was processed. Basically, in China laws often aren't followed because there is no transparency and nobody really knows what the laws are. The laws seem to kind of change all the time at the whim of whoever happens to be in power. One time there was a week where police randomly started ticketing people for not wearing seat-belts and all the taxi drivers insisted you put one on. Then the next week it stopped completely. Bureaucracy is also a nightmare here. When you go to places like the dmv in the states they have lists available of what documents you need to bring, in China I think they make it up on the spot. Sometimes they keep telling you you need extra stuff and make you come back multiple times in the hopes that you are willing to pay a bribe to avoid dealing with it. It really makes me appreciate home where law and order exists and bureaucracy goes relatively smoothly. I still think it is pretty crappy that lots of pregnant women aren't entitled to any paid leave in the states though, lots of places women just get a guarantee they'll hold your job for you and they don't pay anything.
I also think the Chinese make a bigger deal out of pregnancy partly because of the one child policy. Many women only have one pregnancy in their life. The one child policy has a lot of loopholes so lots of people still have more than one kid in China.
Some loopholes include: you and your spouse both being only
children, and having earned an advanced degree abroad. If you live in rural areas I think they don't bother checking. People who qualify for these loopholes can apply and be approved to have a second child. Needing to apply to the government before you try to have a kid is such a weird concept. Some Chinese people ignore the policy and just
pay fines, which is what lots of families at the expensive private school where I work do. I think the fines get higher for every kid you have. One of the teachers I work with told me she has three siblings and the youngest one was really expensive for her parents. If you
don't pay the fines there are forced abortions here which you
occasionally hear about on the news in western countries. I think it getting a forced abortion also has a lot to do with pissing off the wrong people because if you have good guanxi (connections) you can get out of almost anything in this country. It is really corrupt. I have no idea how often forced abortions actually happen though, it isn't like the government allows anyone to record or publicize this stuff. However, I can say I don't personally know of anyone here who has had a forced abortion.
There also are lots of rich Chinese
people who plan trips to the United States around the time their baby is
due so their kid can have American citizenship and they don't have to worry about any of this crap. Frankly, if you can afford it why wouldn't you. I personally know people here that have gone abroad to have kids and I don't blame them at all. Everyone wants the best for their kids. I also have a friend here whose girlfriend's job is to arrange medical holidays for wealthy Chinese people. It is pretty much the most hilarious job ever.
Also related to the one child policy, it is illegal to find out the sex of your baby in China because they are worried people will find out it is a girl and have an abortion. We go to one of the two western hospitals in Shanghai and they told us
the sex anyway. I think they are only allowed to tell us because we are foreigners and there are signs in the ultrasound room that say they aren't allowed to disclose the sex of babies. If Chinese people have the money, there are lots of places they can
go that will tell them the sex regardless. It is funny some of our Chinese friends from Danny's work were shocked when we told them that it is possible to find out the baby's sex in China.
We are having a boy by the way and I'm really excited about him but hopefully we'll have a little girl too eventually. China has had to have ad campaigns to say girls are as good as boys because lots of people were having abortions when they found out they were having a girl. Even worse there are stories about people selling or even murdering baby girls.
It isn't that people here don't love their daughters but it is a patriarchal society and everyone wants a boy to "carry on their family name". Girls are considered a burden and traditionally once they come of age they "marry out" and are no longer considered to be part of the family. It is changing but that is in the culture. Given that lots of people can only have one child, most of them prefer a boy.
Getting back to what I was saying before, people here are really considerate of pregnant women. In spite of pushing and shoving for seats on the train and bus, people offer me their seat during my long, boring commute almost every time. If nobody does, which is rare, I'm kind of obnoxious and stare at the people in the courtesy seats until they feel guilty and offer me one. Usually, someone who isn't in the reserved seat offers me their spot first. I think people who are likely to offer their seat to a pregnant women aren't that likely to sit in the reserved seats. The people in the courtesy seats usually wear headphones and pretend to be asleep so nobody can ask them to move. Once or twice when nobody gave me a chair I say excuse me and gesture at the sign to make them move. I feel kind of mean but my commute is an hour door to door each way and it gets really exhausting.
People I actually know and come in contact with in my day to day life are also mostly pretty nice about the pregnancy and mean well. I don't know how it would compare at home but locals (and some expats) here still have a lot of annoying opinions and comments about pregnancy. The other day I was telling my students very sternly to be quiet in the hall and stop running when one of the Chinese teachers told me I shouldn't get angry because it is bad for the baby... seriously, he'll be fine. He better get used to it because if our little boy acts all silly and hyper when he is supposed to be in quietly standing in line he'll be in trouble.
Other awkward comments I've gotten while pregnant include strangers telling us our baby will be cute because
mixed babies are the cutest kind. Umm... thanks? I've also been told foreign babies are
bigger than Chinese babies. Are they saying foreigners are fat? In China, like many places outside western countries, people just aren't politically correct. In fact, it is quite off putting that people are often openly racist here. Think about the way things were in the states back in the 1950 when it was ok to tell someone you weren't hiring them because you are looking for someone white or because it is a man's job. That is legal in China today. It is pretty messed up. It isn't that people are trying to be mean, they just are a bit ignorant. Typically, Chinese people have really positive views of white people and really negative views of anyone with dark skin. Since a lot of Chinese people don't actually know anyone who is black, I think it comes from Hollywood portraying African Americans as gangsters all the time. The stereotypes about Jews are also pretty funny here. I've also been told by a relatively well educated Chinese woman that "Jews are the smartest race of people." Umm... thanks?
Another really bizarre thing which is kind of funny about pregnancy in China is the booming industry of anti-radiation gear. One time one of the ayis yelled at me for sitting too close to the computer and said I should wear one. I was sad my Chinese isn't good enough to explain that nobody outside China uses them because anti-radiation ponchos don't do anything and the whole industry is a scam. I heard there have been news reports recently explaining that they don't work but I'm not sure if they are losing popularity. I've noticed fewer people wearing them on the subway lately but who knows. It sometimes seems like wearing them is also a way to announce you are pregnant. Some women start wearing an anti-radiation poncho the day they find out they are pregnant. They don't seem at all concerned about waiting a few months until they are sure it is a healthy pregnancy before telling people. The custom here seems to be to announce you are pregnant the second you find out.
The Chinese also have some interesting customs about caring for pregnant women and new mothers. Most customs stem from Chinese medicine, which I think is a lot of nonsense. Following cultural traditions can be really nice, but not when it comes to my
health. I want treatments that are proven to work using scientific method. I haven’t bothered to actually spend time studying Chinese medicine but people have told me there are tons of rules about what things you should and should not eat while pregnant. They are mostly based on whether the food is perceived to be hot or cold. I'm not quite sure how they work that out.
There seem to be even more rules for after the baby is born than during pregnancy. Chinese medicine teaches that women
are in their most fragile state after giving birth and basically need to be on bed rest and
do nothing but eat giant pots of Chinese herbal medicine for a month. New mothers aren't even supposed to shower, they are only allowed to take sponge baths for a full month. Most of the time for the month after the baby is born, a female relative comes to care for the woman and baby according to Chinese tradition.
It pretty much can be any woman who has experienced caring for a newborn and new mother, often the baby's grandma.
The first time I heard about this was before moving to China when we
visited friends with a newborn. Everyday the grandmother came over and
made a giant pot of Chinese herbal medicine. Every night after she left, the father dumped it out and brought take out food.
I know a lot of
similar stories from people in China. After
Danny's co-worker's wife had a baby she used to sneak out of bed in the
middle of the night and eat handfuls of pure salt because her mother
wouldn't let her have anything with salt in it. The younger more educated people
we know don't tend to buy into the whole Chinese medicine thing. Fortunately, my in-laws are nice reasonable people who aren't trying to make us follow these silly customs.
If you don't have a relative to take care of the mother and baby, you can also hire someone called a yue sao (month sister-in-law) or there are live-in centers where mothers and babies can go to be cared for the
month after the birth. A few of our Chinese friends have asked us if we are going to have a yue sao. Both my parents and Danny's parents are coming to visit for about a week to meet our little one but we are pretty much planning to take care of him by ourselves after he is born. A lot of locals here seem very shocked by this and ask how we will know how to take care of the baby. They don't get that people like me and Danny are more likely to read about stuff and take a class than hire someone or have our parents do it for us. I know it is quite different when it is your own child but I have worked in education for a long time, including a few month in a child care center caring for infants. I know it is tiring but I think between the two of us we'll figure out how to take care of our baby. The Chinese system of education teaches a lot of rote memorization and very little problem solving which is why I think locals in general have a harder time taking on real world responsibility themselves. I know it sounds mean of me but a lot of the time people educated in China show a lot of ignorance and an inability to think logically. They are great at standardized tests though.
This brings me to the crazy rant MK, the midwife that teaches our childbirth class, went on this week. I may not have this totally correct but she is ethnically Chinese and she was born in Shanghai but grew up in Hong Kong and spent like ten years in New York delivering high risk babies in the Bronx. Anyway, her rant last night was pretty crazy. She started
out saying it it is bad that Chinese people have too many c-sections. She said they think that if there is a chance they may have to get a c-section anyway
after going through the pains of labor, they may as well get the c-section from the beginning and avoid the pain of labor. It turned into a metaphor for how Chinese people are lazy and don't want to work for anything. She pretty much said they spoil their children because thanks to the one child policy every kid has six
adults (2 parents and 4 grandparents) doing everything for the kid. I've seen shriveled, elderly grandmothers carrying heavy bags for perfectly healthy teenagers here. It is sort of crazy. There is a whole stigma in China about only children being "little emperors" who only care about themselves. MK had some points that are true but it was a pretty
harsh, intensely negative rant about Chinese society in the middle of our childbirth class. I know sometimes when I talk about Chinese culture I come across a kind of negative but wow. MK is really opinionated and I find her a little bit intimidating so I tend
to
be sort of quiet in class. She is really great in many ways though and pretty much
every expat I know with kids likes her. We have friends who have
had her deliver three of their sons and are on the fourth. She isn't my midwife, just the teacher for our childbirth class but she may do our baby's
circumcision.
We have the class once a week for six weeks. We have two secessions left and by the time it is over I'll be just about full term. Overall our class has been pretty good and has had lots of useful info about pregnancy, labor, pain management and medical interventions. The last two classes are about caring for newborns and breastfeeding. Every now and then she says things in class that feel like she is talking directly to us. One week I got really mad at Danny for saying he was thinking about going into the office part time during the three days I'll be at the hospital when the baby is born. The next day in class MK mentioned that she expects all the dads to pack overnight bags and stay at the hospital the whole time. That was when I decided she is awesome. She also likes to yell at people when their husbands don't come and tell everyone that the best dads are the ones who go to all the classes. In addition she tells everyone that the dads also are not allowed to travel when it gets close to the due date and that the moms should take away their passports. She has lots of anecdotes about women going into labor early when their husbands are abroad. Since it is taught in English and is offered by the western hospital, it is a pretty international class. Everyone is either an expat or married to an expat. Lots of people constantly travel abroad. Danny has gone to all of the classes so far so she doesn't yell at us. He also has not missed a single doctor's appointment; he's pretty wonderful. He also cooks for me a lot when I'm tired and has been taking really good care of me throughout the pregnancy. I feel kind of bad for the women whose husbands' keep not showing up. I don't know how single mom's do it. I couldn't handle being pregnant without Danny.
On a totally different topic, I thought I'd talk a bit about hospitals in China. We go to Shanghai United Family Hospital. As I mentioned earlier it is one of two western hospitals in Shanghai. The other one is called Parkway Health. Shanghai United it is clean, things usually run smoothly
and everyone we deal with there speaks English at least moderately well.
The facilities are really nice. We did a tour of the maternity ward
last
week. The delivery rooms are large private rooms; they have couches for
visitors and their bathrooms even have jacuzzi bathtubs. In contrast people I
know that went to local Chinese hospitals have lots of unpleasant
stories. It sounds like they are more crowded and there is more waiting
and lower quality care. I don't think they have private delivery rooms
and in a lot of them men aren't allowed in when you give birth which
sounds awful since I really need Danny there. Some of the local hospitals also have VIP sections with English speaking doctors and somewhat better conditions but they aren't great and lots of people have horror stories about them. I would be really scared to give birth at a local hospital but a lot of people have no other option because the western hospitals are so expensive. You need to have been on your insurance plan for an around a year before conceiving or they count it as a preexisting condition and won't cover maternity. Fortunately, my
insurance plan has covered everything with no
issues so far. Filing the claims is a little annoying at times though.
Overall
we have been pretty happy with my care here. I think it may
actually be better than what we would get in the states. There are a few surprising things though. For some reason they do way more ultrasounds here than in the states. Also, when I needed to get a
Rhogam shot because I'm RH negative the hospital wasn't able to provide
it. Instead they gave us the info to order it ourselves online. Then we had to
store it in our fridge until we brought it in to get the shot. Danny
said it is probably because less than 1% of Asians are RH negative so it
isn't widely available in China. It still was kind of weird ordering
the medication for an injection online rather than getting it directly
from a doctor. I never did that in America.
The only problem I've really had is I
needed to switch doctors last month because my original doctor went on
maternity leave in the states. At first I was kind of upset I had to
switch doctors at seven months pregnant but I've seen my new doctor
twice now and she seems fine. She spent the last 10 years in the USA,
speaks perfect English and is familiar with current medical procedures
in America.
 |
| the lobby of the hospital |
This is now officially the longest post I ever wrote so I'm going to wrap it up. If you actually made it through reading this whole thing you must be a really good friend, or someone with way too much time on their hands. Five and a half more weeks! We are pretty much ready. We bought all his stuff in the states this summer and set up a little nursery for him. I even drew decorations to hang on the wall and sewed designs onto his storage bins. We bought him some Dr. Suess books that come in English and Chinese and I'm learning to read him Green Eggs and Ham in Chinese. I don't think I'll have anymore travel posts for a while so probably next time I post it will be something about being a mom. Hopefully he'll arrive on time and things will go smoothly!
